Cheating When Your Family is Involved
As we have learned, cheating or any kind of infidelity occurring between two people in a committed relationship can be absolutely devastating for both partners involved. When a couple has children, an entirely different conversation needs to take place within the home as to how it will be handled in regards to the family unit. Marital affairs severely impact not only the couple, but all individuals closely connected to the couple as well, especially children (Thorson, 2014). A couple needs to contemplate the following questions after experiencing infidelity:
- Will we inform our children about the cheating that has taken place?
- If so, how much detail will we provide?
- What is age appropriate language that we can use with our children?
- How are we going to move forward as a family?
The Research
- Around 25% of Americans report experiencing at least one type of sexual encounter outside of their marriage throughout their lives (Atkins, Yi, Baucom, & Christensen, 2005).
- Research shows that in some cases, 40% of children share that they were aware of some kind of infidelity happening between their parents (Thorson, 2019).
- Lusterman (2005) highlights the fact that anxiety is contagious, and children are much more aware of tension in the home than we realize. This tension can often times impact children's school work, behavior, or social engagement as well.
- Children can experience feelings of dishonesty, mistrust, confusion, despair, distress, embarrassment, or discomfort after learning of a parent's betrayal (Lusterman, 2005).
Age Appropriate Explanations
When infidelity occurs between a parent unit, it is up to those parents to determine the best approach for their children based on their age, maturity, level of comprehension, and emotional stability (Lusterman, 2005). Infidelity can be one of the most heartbreaking events a couple goes through, however it does not mean the relationship has to end in separation, divorce, or step parents/step siblings (Thorson, 2014). Here are a few different approaches couples can choose when informing children of cheating:
For Younger Children:
"Mommy and daddy promised on our wedding day that we would only be in a relationship with each other. Mommy broke that promise and got a boyfriend. She is very sorry, and we are working on overcoming our sad feelings together."
For Older Children:
"Your father has participated in an affair outside of our marriage. We are working on overcoming this as a couple, as parents, and as a family."
When Deciding Not to Tell Children:
"As we are sure you can tell, your mommies are currently going through a hard time in our relationship together. We are working through this together, and although we are sad, we still love you and this family very much."
For Younger Children:
"Mommy and daddy promised on our wedding day that we would only be in a relationship with each other. Mommy broke that promise and got a boyfriend. She is very sorry, and we are working on overcoming our sad feelings together."
For Older Children:
"Your father has participated in an affair outside of our marriage. We are working on overcoming this as a couple, as parents, and as a family."
When Deciding Not to Tell Children:
"As we are sure you can tell, your mommies are currently going through a hard time in our relationship together. We are working through this together, and although we are sad, we still love you and this family very much."
Types of Forgiveness
There are several different kinds of forgiveness both parents and children can engage in when overcoming this kind of stressful event. Children are more likely to forgive their parents if they accept responsibility for their infidelity, express sorrow, and offer ways to make the family whole again (Thorson, 2019). Research has shown that kids are more likely to engage in third-party forgiveness if they feel a parent's apology is sincere, genuine, and communicated, and that forgiveness involves, "cognitive, emotional, and behavioral labor," (Thorson, 2019, p. 1440). Here are different kinds of forgiveness that children might exemplify when sorting through their own emotions after learning of a parent's cheating:
- Explicit Forgiveness - "I forgive you."
- Conditional Forgiveness - "I will forgive you if you get me a new set of AirPods."
- Nonverbal Forgiveness - Giving the parent who is hurting or the parent who has cheated a silent hug or embrace.
- Discussion - Sitting down with parents together or separately to ask questions and talk about the child's feelings.
- Minimizing - One parent saying, "It really is not a big deal and should not impact you."
Things to Avoid With Kids: |
Things to Do With Kids: |
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Suggested Therapeutic Approaches for Children
- Structural Family Therapy - redetermining boundaries, systems, and hierarchies between a family structure in order to reform a family's dynamic so that they can develop new interaction techniques and capitalize on the families previously established strengths (Gehart, 2018). This kind of counseling could help a child or family unit restore the positive coping skills they had before the cheating incident disrupted their sense of normal.
- Solution-Based Therapy - rather than rehashing the event that created disarray in the family structure, solution-based therapy focuses on moving the client(s) towards a solution and develops both small and large goals that helps a client reach that solution over time (Gehart, 2018). In this case, a child could work with a counselor towards a solution to learn how to forgive their parent who was unfaithful and move forward.
- Narrative Therapy - focuses on changing the story of what one thought their life might look like in regards to societal norms and pressures and accepting their life for what it has been and how they can be an active member of change in their future (Gehart, 2018). This kind of therapy could be especially helpful with children whose parents have cheated since its main goal is to detach the client from the problem that has occurred in their life. Since the child did not decide to cheat, this could be especially helpful for children whose parents have been unfaithful.
Chicago Counseling Resources
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us
https://www.family-institute.org
https://www.introspectivefamilytherapy.com
https://www.family-institute.org
https://www.introspectivefamilytherapy.com